boys.

so i think i already talked about him in a previous blog, but i like this guy named David LaBahn. I like him a while ago and of course drama happened and I was stupid and so was he. So now he is my home group pastor and i started liking him again. he's basically amazing. lol. i think about him a lot and i'm really working on not thinking about him all the time. i'm trying to pray every time i think about him, to get my mind where it should be and not where it wants to be. but i feel like i'm really jealous of other girls when it comes to him. for instance there's this girl Michelle Francisco that goes to our home group also. David and Michelle have known each other for a long time and i feel like i'm jealous of the friendship they have. Michelle is a very flirtatious person, so when she's around David it seems like she likes him. so then i start thinking, well why would David ever want to be with me when he can have someone like Michelle. I'll even been walking around at school and see a pretty girl and think, why would ANY guy wanna be with me when there are so many girls who are prettier and smarter than me? it gets really hard sometimes. i just don't see why any guy would want to spend the rest of his life with me when there are girls who are so much better than me out there. but i try to not think about it. this is one of the things i learned about myself while reading Captivating. I am afraid that a guy won't go out with me because he will find someone better. or that we'll be going out and he'll break up with me because he finds someone he likes more. it's basically what happened with my first boyfriend Preston. He broke up with me and said it was because he felt like he wasn't spending as much time as he should with God and that he needed to get that right before he could have a girlfriend. so as hard as it was, i accepted it knowing that it wasn't because of me. i thought that he was still in love with me and that once his relationship with God was where it needed to be, we would start dating again. i was sooo wrong. it turns out that he broke up with me because he found someone he like better. he was more attracted to her so he dumped me. now, i'm afraid that i will be hurt like that again. i can't even begin the explain the hurt i felt when i found out Preston was dating another girl just weeks after we broke up. i'm so afraid that will happen again. so i make myself think that no guy will ever want to go out with me because they all already know that i'm not the best. i'm not the prettiest, funniest, smartest, skinniest most Godly girl there is, so no one will ever want to date me. i'm trying to hard to look past that. i'm trying to see myself in the way God sees me. He calls me beautiful. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks, i should only care what He sees and that is the most beautiful girl because i was created in His image. I'm trying to look past the hurt and know that God has someone picked out for me. He has someone who won't dump me for someone better because he won't think anyone is better than me. I will be perfect for him and he will be perfect for me. 

so i just pray about it. i pray that i will begin to see myself the way God sees me and not the way i see myself. i pray that those lies i tell myself will be gone, they are lies of the enemy. i pray that God will begin to prepare the heart of my future husband so when it's time for us to meet and be together he'll be ready. i pray that God will also begin to prepare my heart for that man. praying is all i can. i can just pray that God will destroy those lies the enemy has me believing and that is exactly what i'll do.

as for David. he's amazing, but i think i already said that. every time i think about him, like right now, i get butterflies in my stomach and a little smile on my face. whenever i'm with, i'm constantly laughing. i can't help but look at him when i'm around him, which is bad sometimes (especially when he catches me). i'm pretty sure he knows that i like him, i find it hard to hide the way i feel when i'm around the guy i like. but at this point i don't care. we're still friends, we still talk and thats the way i want it. i know that i'm far from being ready to have a boyfriend. could you imaging i would constantly be paranoid that he would break up with me. every time he said he needed to talk to me, i'd think he found someone better. so for now, i'm working on being content with our friendship and not being jealous of the friends he has. if it's in Gods will for us to be together, it will happen when the time is right. i'm not gonna push this one and mess it up, there's no way.